I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
