Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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