i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
