On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Randomize
