She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
