Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
