epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
You're a waste of cheezeits
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
