The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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