I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
