Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Randomize
