i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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