Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
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