I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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