i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
