I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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