I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Randomize