watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Randomize
