i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Randomize
