How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
