i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize