dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
