i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
