Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
