i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Randomize
