I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I could fuck to npr.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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