I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
