Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
