Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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