So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I just found puke in my bra..
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
