Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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