Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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