we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Can't decide if this guy is hot or if I'm just bored.
Sex is clearly the solution either way.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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