The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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