woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
