What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
