u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
