plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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