watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
