He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Randomize
