I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Randomize
