I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
this is an emotional support booty call
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
