literally had 100 drinks last night.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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