break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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