I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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