im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
