My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Even the bartender felt bad for me
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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