he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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