it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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