Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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