I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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