that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
