Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize