wrigley field is MILF paradise
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
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