it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
