and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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