just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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