Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
