Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
