I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Are we still banned from the library?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize