Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
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