I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
