I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I look better un-naked...
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
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