i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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