Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
