waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
